17:05 | 26th May 2019

Top Feature: Darren Waite

On the wagon

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Yep, I am back. I know that the old editor's column has of late been a bit sloppy when it comes to regular updates but I have been working on Pride Magazine, which, you can pick up at virtually every gay bar in the country and view it online at

Through the usual stress of putting a magazine together and other various stresses such as forgetting to pay my TV license and realising that I have in a week and a half, put on about four stone, I have decided to go all hippy like and get on the wagon.

My problem is that I love a beer. I don't drink all the time, not everyday but I think if I looked back at the days that I was sober I would find that it was because I was hungover. So yesterday evening I went with my last £50 to Tescos and proceeded to spend it all in the first three aisles. My fridge is now what I imagine Cheryl Coles to look like. The entire contents doesn't add up to more than 100 calories.

This is where I start shifting some of the blame. My Mrs is Irish, so she was born with an extra liver (Yep, that is why they have the propensity to go green) She is obsessed with Prosecco and every night when I go over another bottle is opened. This was something her ex-girlfriend got her into, that and the habit of crying when you tell her you have slept with another woman, bejesus!

So I have now banned all alcohol from my house, this is not me checking into AA, it is me hopefully staving off the need to check into Weight Watchers.

Alcohol was at the top of the banned list. I have now also banned mobile phones from the bedroom. Since the Mrs has decided that playing Tetris is more important than giving head the iphone has gone as well. What makes it worse is that it is my bloody iphone. I spent £2.59 on that game, I spent £3 on lube and some rubber gloves and they have never seen the light of day but she has managed to get to level 22 'brick-building'.

I think it is fair to say that I can be easily annoyed but of late I haven't been sleeping very well. I can be found wandering the halls like a ghost (or rapist) at three, four, five in the morning because I can't turn my brain off.

So I got rid of the things that keep me awake: alcohol (caused by spinning room) Tetris (caused by Mrs) and my weight gain (caused by both).

I give it 'til the weekend.

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