04:07 | 22nd April 2019

Blogroll: Political Watch

Wooing the Voter - Shag, Marry, Kill?

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Last night three men tried their hardest to become the object of your affections. You might not have noticed, but they definitely only had eyes for you.

Dressed in natty yellow, blue and pink ties; and perhaps wearing a little too much makeup, these three fellas were out to charm you. To make things easier, let's call them Nick (yellow tie), David (blue tie) and Gordon (pink tie).

All three potential suitors started pretty well. These were no cheap chat-up lines, this was meant to make you fall in love. Nick has always been seen as the quiet one, indeed in this context he is a virgin, but after last night's performance you could probably believe he has at least a chance of making a good husband.

The problem here is that Nick's most attractive point last night was that he was new and therefore exciting; he'd never really had the opportunity to charm you alongside the big boys. A lot of the chat from David and Gordon was things you'd heard from them before. Sadly for Nick. despite all the excitement, in all likelihood he'll remain on the shelf. Everyone likes the idea of a virgin, but what we really want is someone with a bit of experience, someone who has "been around the block" before.

Put bluntly the three had very different tactics.

Gordon's chosen method was to convince you he would be a great lover by detailing every point. He reminded you the two of you had been dating for some time now, and whilst it hadn't always been perfect, you'd grown to love each other. He was better around the home, he'd kept the family finances pretty much within control (so long as you didn't check the credit card statement too closely), and he'd always made sure you felt safe. David, of course, disagreed.

The two of you had dated some time ago but it hadn't worked-out in the end and you'd left him for Gordon. David was keen to remind you of the good times, he was keen to assure you he'd changed for the better, and he wanted you back. Gordon, asserted David, was not the man for you. He'd run up your credit card bill and unless you started shopping at Lidl you were going to be in pretty serious trouble.

And Nick, well Nick's take on things was that neither of the other two really loved you. He believed you had spent far too much time dumping one for the other, and it was time for a new man in your life. Like any keen new lover, Nick didn't hesitate to promise you the earth. After all you'd never dated the man before so who was to say he couldn't deliver it?

Although in competition with each other all three of your dates soon realized they could work together to eliminate the opposition. Gordon, sensing that Nick was winning your affections, tried to suggest a threesome. He and Nick agreed on things; it would work wonderfully the three of you. But Nick wasn't having any of this, he wanted you all to himself. Similarly David proposed that Gordon was old news and that the two new men in your life were the only way forward.

In the end, most bystanders agreed that Nick had been the most charming. Unencumbered by the baggage of previous relationships he came across as new and exciting. More importantly Nick wasn't Gordon or David. But of course the unknown is a scary place to go. Exes seem attractive at times because you know all of their faults as much as you know all of their good points. Whilst all of this was going on I conducted a quick poll amongst friends. Who to marry or kill seemed entirely dependent on the person's existing allegiances, however one thing everyone seem to agree on was Nick for "shag". Who would you shag, marry or kill?


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